RIP Delene
My niece died last week.
Delene had known about her cancer for about a year. She was 46 years old, never married, no children.
She’d had 3 moms, two of whom died of cancer themselves.
Delene’s own mom died of cancer when she was 11 years old. Her 2nd mom died when Delene was 26.
And yet, with my enquiring mind,
I wonder ….
Was there something lying there, deeper, that may have been hiding, dormant?
Did Delene really and truly have time to grieve the death of her biological mom, and again, her 2nd Mom, and was she able to express and accept all of her feelings of grief? Her sadness, anger, guilt, peace, more sadness, confusion, and fear?
Dr. Gabor Mate, an imminent scholar of trauma and recovery states,
“The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it. All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past.”
There is also evidence that suggests, “Grief has been found to elevate the risk of immune response and inflammation-related illnesses, including a heightened risk of tumor development. Therefore, the literature suggests that some cases may have an elevated cancer risk associated with grief. (Bioanalytical and Life Sciences, Anthoni Huggins-Cooper).
Lastly, in regards to death of a parent specifically from cancer,
“… younger children worry more than their peers and express themselves more readily than older ones (Haine et al., 2008; Silverman & Worden, 1993). Girls tend to internalize their problems, whereas boys externalize more (Dowdney, 2000; Haine et al., 2008). Lastly, longitudinal studies have suggested that girls are more vulnerable over time compared to boys (Dowdney, 2000).”
No amount of time can ever totally alleviate the grief of a child to the death of a parent. But time, patience, understanding and insight into the grief process is all important for healing.
Do you have grief you haven’t given yourself time to process? Something from your own childhood, or perhaps even adulthood? It could be from trauma, loss, neglect, or even death.
Our own inner child is not unlike the physical child who grieves a loss; young, inexperienced, misunderstood, afraid, and confused.
Inner self talk is something I often do for myself when I get triggered and when I sense it’s not the in-charge, capable-adult-Fran response I’m acting out. Instead it’s Fran who is much younger, and raw with inheld emotion.
Then I talk to my own inner child using the SHIFT method:
SHIFT
And so I am…
Sensitive to my self talk.
Hearing what I’m saying to myself.
Intuiting what is going on inside me.
Feeling these feelings.
Trusting them, talking to them, and turning them over to God to Take care of and Transform.
Given time, giving myself a big hug, treating myself gently, consoling myself for my pain that was not recognized by a loving adult at the time, all serves to help me grieve my own past.
I wish that for you. No one needs to live, or die, with unresolved grief.
I love you sweet Delene, RIP.
See you on the other side of the sky.
